Category Archives: Science

Yuri’s Night

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Yurinighttags

Why do I have space tags today?

51 years ago today the first man went into space, Yuri Gagarin.  It doesn’t matter where you are on the political spectrum,  this was –  and is –  a reason to celebrate the scientific achievements of all mankind.

Yuri’s spaceflight was the culmination of centuries of progress in science and technology.  It needs to be celebrated.  Every bit of science known at the time contributed to this.  (Face it, the Soviet side and the American side were spying on one another constantly during this time and had many of each other’s scientific information.)

The bravery of Yuri Gagarin cannot be underestimated.  He got into a tin can on top of a missile with a rubber-type bumper on the bottom and a parachute to go into space.

What sciences did Yuri have to rely on? Which one didn’t he have to rely on?  Both basic science and applied sciences and technology from every field were needed to get him into space and return him safely to earth.

In honor of this incredible accomplishment, the world celebrates Yuri’s Night on April 12th (and the ensuing weekend) with parties and gatherings dedicated to science and space exploration.  We need to celebrate science more, and this is a great reason to!

I’m going to a friend’s small gathering with my 5 year old nephew to celebrate and teach his 5 year old and my nephew the value that science brings to us all when it is used to reach for the stars.

Tags were made by playing with various ink sprays (all water reactive), Technique Tuesday space set, and Amuse Studio (consultant ID: 1341) pigment inks and embossing powder.

U.S. (Halliburton?) Identifies (Admits?) Vast Riches of Minerals in Afghanistan

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I realize that this sounds a bit on the conspiracy side of things.  I know that this may cause me to lose any credibility with many folks out there.  And perhaps I have just been enjoying too many Conspiracy and Paranormal Podcasts.  But, in the end, it seems way too convenient that the Soviets knew of these resources and Halliburton is a major contractor for the US military and mining and oil interests for there not to have been some level of purpose there.

For those who are unaware, the US military has long been used by business interests to forward their goals to make more profit.  It is something that some history teachers touch upon, but many don’t.  Smedley Butler – the man who saved the Union before World War II – even wrote a book called War is a Racket after serving as a general.

Why did Smedley Butler think this?  Well, the very lucrative banana and other plantations of South America were major financial interests of the robber barons of the era.  We stayed in the Philippines for the same reason.  It was always about money and trade.  Also, the opening of Japan was because the US Navy threatened to open fire if the Japanese didn’t open their ports to trade.

So, Afghanistan has the largest known deposits of lithium (batteries, computers, etc.), cobalt (more high tech), and other minerals crucial in the creation of computers, batteries, and other technologies which run our world today.

Why wouldn’t I think that Halliburton – or Brown and Root, or some other incarnation – influenced things so that we would have a strong military presence in Afghanistan?  I find the protestations of this being a surprise rather hard to swallow when the Soviets knew before they left Afghanistan.

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Chicago Diversion : Environmental Threat and Economic Opportunity?

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In 1885 Chicago built a diversion to carry waste water to the Mississippi out from Lake Michigan. This led to a number of locks and such that supersede the Great Lakes Compact and the Boundary Waters Treaty that govern water usage in the Great Lakes basin due to a SCOTUS decision from around the 1890s (I already returned the library book – The Great Lakes Water Wars).

Since this time, there have been major diversions that have gone into the Great Lakes – notably the one developed during WWII in Ontario that feeds into Thunder Bay. The rule of thumb has been that if it remains inside the basin there isn’t much to worry about, but if it is outside the basin (excepting Chicago due to an antiquated SCOTUS decision), it is not approved.

For those unfamiliar with how the Great Lakes basin governance works, it takes the agreement of all the governors of the states or the executives of the provinces to allow a diversion if it is under a certain volume. If it exceeds that volume, the Boundary Waters Treaty comes into play – as does the updated Compact – and all the executives in both the Great Lakes States and Provinces must approve with subsequent approval in Ottawa and D.C. (Yeah, how long do you think that would take?)

Anyway, the Chicago Diversion has continued to add more and more suburbs outside the basin by staying within their overall volume allowance from an over 100 year old SCOTUS decision that SCOTUS just decided it would not re-hear. For whatever reason, Michigan’s case to cut off the links that allow for the carp to enter the lakes (and genetic materials have already been found on top of the fences) despite the likelihood of them destroying both fishing and tourism interests in an already weakened economic area.

Now, the main diversion and overall waterways surrounding Chicago are antiquated. Would it not make sense to use Federal monies to not only prevent the carp from invading international waters (Canada is still the USA’s largest trading partner); but, also, to engender a major infrastructure project in one of the areas of the country suffering from massive unemployment by updating an over 100 year old water system?

Or, are Chicago and federal politicians so corrupt and short-sighted that they cannot see this will turn into a major international incident if not headed off at the pass?

My Crazy Past

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In a time of insanity, I volunteered to run programming for a local science fiction and linux convention. Why do I mention this? The hullabaloo around the BlogHer’09 problems. DH has forbidden me from doing this again, btw. Many spouses have done the same for their significant others. I wonder why…

I think BlogHer’s conference people could learn from SMOFs. Wait, I need to define SMOFs, don’t I? SMOFs are Secret Masters Of Fandom. Fandom is science fiction fandom. Somehow, on a shoestring budget, fans are able to run a ton of conventions that meet the needs of hobbyists, semi-professionals, and professionals. Of course, all SMOFs are insane.

Let’s take a look at what is involved at a science fiction convention. The leader of the insane is known as the ConChair. This is the person who supervises all of the other lunatics running the various departments. There is normally an assistant or three ConChair as well. These foolishly brave individuals are normally slated to become ConChair in the next year or three. Working that closely with the ConChair means you get a bit of the headache. For some reason, ConChairs rarely last more than 3 years. Hrm…

The largest jobs after the ConChair are those of the Consuite Chair, Programming Chair, and Registration. The Treasurers I have spoken with tell me their job isn’t that bad. I would disagree, but then remember that all of them are accountants and are thus from another planet than me. Publicity and Program Book are reliant on everyone else doing their jobs, so have a different kind of stress.

In Michigan there are our famous ConSuites. The ConSuite is the place paying members can go throughout the conference to find munchies – not meals – munchies. Meals you are on your own for unless you pay for the banquet on Saturday night – or a coffee clutch. If you are over 21, you can even get good beer in the ConSuite. The ConSuite is also where new victims, er, SMOFs, are recruited to run the following year’s conventions. The people who know how to run a successful ConSuite are worth their weight in gold. They always have their own budget and staff.

Next, of course, is the person who negotiates the hotel contract. Believe it or not, Science Fiction Conventions are known for how well-behaved we are compared to other convention and conference goers. We know we freak out hotel staff with our costuming and live action role-playing games, so we enforce most rules with a Zero Tolerance Policy. Hotel contracts get easier with repeat visits to the same hotels. Most of the time, WorldCons are at sites that have larger regional / national conventions so the hotels know what to expect. Everything is nailed out in these contracts. The people that do these contracts are highly skilled. I’m not among them, but, I have great respect for the folks who do this particular bit of preparation.

As to Zero Tolerance? Yes, we do throw people out without a refund. This is a very effective deterrent since that means the person can no longer get to the great food and beer in the ConSuite. For that matter, they can’t attend any of the awesome parties that happen each night.

The negotiated hotel contract is vital for programming to know what space they are going to have, room rates, corkage fees, etc. All of that has to be known up-front in order to avoid a variety of disasters and misunderstandings.

Now, programming, which for some reason I keep blocking out, has several subdepartments. At a science fiction convention, there is usually the general fannish track, the Art and/or Filk Track, the Gaming Track, and, in the case of the linux convention, the Technical Track. Several Michigan conventions also have a Science Track because, after all, it is Science Fiction. Many also have writing workshops with limited sign up space because it is Science Fiction. Each of these tracks will have a sub-head to run the minutiae of the track. The Programming Head often doubles as the general fannish track head, but not always. Larger conventions may also have a children’s track, anime track, etc.

Programming is hard. Think banging head against brick wall hard? You get to wrangle up panelists. You have to come up with descriptions for each of the panels. You have to make certain not to put mortal enemies on the same panel without having someone who can keep them from reenacting Dragonball Z during the panel between them. You have to make sure to give your panelists and GoHs (Guests of Honor) enough time to eat, sleep and take care of worldly needs even as you abuse them to maximize your are trying to create a panel for everyone.

No one is ever 100% happy with your choices. It just won’t happen. The Filkers (type of musician) will complain they were too close to someone whose noise interrupted their quieter group. If they are in a nice quiet area, they will complain no one can find them. Some will complain that there wasn’t enough dinner hour programming while others complain that the dinner hour programming made it impossible to get to the best panels. It really is a no win situation. Oh, and programming gets blamed when life happens such that a panel must be cancelled or changed.

Now, all is not gloom and doom. You roll with the punches and can create awesome new programming from what is learned from the panels of the year before.

Now, before utter insanity came into being, I often ran the Dance in association with the Masquerade. There are fan groups that are 100% devoted to only the Masquerade and can swoop in and run yours within your guidelines. There are folks who can run Gaming, Filk, and other tracks. It is wrangling all of those folks that gets hard.

The Party Quandary

Now, as to parties. Fandom has parties. Some are official – the ConSuite might be considered a party. Some are private. Some are open to anyone making their way through. Anything that is advertised on the bulletin boards or such must meet certain rules. Those rules vary from convention to convention, but, they all tend to have the same flavor.

Party floors are designated with the hotel contract. If you are going to have a party, you must be on a designated party floor. They are not tolerated on the “quiet floors.” (Because mature SF Conventions tend to sell out hotels – and even overflow hotels – this is rather easily managed.) Badge checking must be enforced at the parties, just like the ConSuite. This enforces two rules – paying attendees only, and no one under 21 at inappropriate parties.

Another thing that is done to encourage public parties that encourage mixing is to hold party contests. A popular prize is that a portion – or even all – of the hotel room costs are picked up by the convention for the winning party. This encourages some truly original parties. These contests may be up for popular vote, or, a group of judges is selected from crusty old fans who have “seen it all.”

As to private parties? There are such things as the Port Tastings and ElvenToast that are invite only that everyone knows about. I’m pretty sure I could get an invite, but haven’t got an interest in either so why bother. There are also the Mad Scientist parties – invite only – where they discuss their continued attempts to achieve low earth orbit from the Upper Peninsula of Michigan. Why yes, they did all go to Northern Michigan University where there is more snow than sense in the middle of winter. Some of the private parties are business related. Some are not. No one even thinks to be offended because they know to be low-key. Well, as low-key as a party at a Science Fiction Convention can be.

SWAG?

Give me a break. SWAG is going to exist at every conference and convention ever that has existed or will exist. That’s the one I think is the funniest.

I think that the BlogHer folks could learn a lot from the fannish convention community. As long as this post is, I have barely scratched the surface of what is involved by an all volunteer organization in creating a place that is welcoming of hobbyists, semi-professionals, and professionals.

You want to know something really telling? I’m not allowed to give out names, but the big convention runners of Usenix all started out running science fiction conventions.

Are Bioethicists Nuts? Or Just Stupid?

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I have been reading a smattering of articles by bioethicists on ectogenesis. Ectogenesis is a uterine replicator, basically. (Yes, I’m stealing from Bujold again.) Everything said by any of them is so irrelevant to reality as to be construed as a sign of mental illness or disassociation. This came about because I was wondering what the state of the research is. Japan, Korea, and China are doing a lot of advanced work in this area, so the normal worry trolls are running scared.

First, yes, there are researchers in Asia trying to make an uterine environment that is completely separate from the human body. They are running into issues surrounding blood supply and the vagaries of the human body. These guys are relevant in treating extreme preemise, but well, they aren’t where the first true “artificial” wombs are going to come from.

A researcher at Cornell University was able to grow uterine tissue that supported an embryo for some time back in 2003 or so. Growing an “artificial” womb from stem cells would mitigate a lot of the issues surrounding rejection – like the various other organs they are growing. The experiments had to be completely halted because of idiotic laws founded in fear.

Cornell University is also working on uterine transplants for women who have no uterus. China has been working with transgendered men in an effort to allow them to have an uterus and possibly bear children.

These are good things – and I thought so before my current situation.

Why on earth are the idiots in the bioethics community wailing about dehumanization and the separation from biology when the most promising research is going to be from cloning and transplanting uteruses? Is it because almost none of them have degrees in science? The vast majority seem to come from the legal profession. Sorry, but lawyers don’t choose law because of their scientific acumen. (I will make an exception for patent attorneys, but they wouldn’t be involved in most of these discussions unless being paid to defend or challenge a patent.)

Seriously, even the feminists get it completely wrong. You would think that they would have noticed that the vast majority of funding for research into solutions surrounding infertility and women’s health issues come from women – not men. So, the incessant nattering about the misogyny of the medical profession, though true, doesn’t apply in these cases. It bugs me that people don’t see the nuance.

Let’s take a minute to look at the ridiculous idea of vat grown humans, for one. That is way more resource intensive than the old fashioned way which most people would choose – barring a select group of individuals. (I know that there are folks who aren’t nutters who need to use PGD. But, the media loves the nutter angle to this.) It just wouldn’t be profitable! Growing organs is a whole other matter, and a lot less intensive from the articles I’ve understood well enough to comprehend on the scientific end.

Who is the natural customer? Women with no or deformed uteruses. Are the initial “artificial” wombs going to be in labs through gestation? Probably not. The blood supply and complexity of hormonal interaction with the body would make it less feasible than transplanting a uterus grown to fit the woman. I don’t think we are that far away from this happening if the Asians are as advanced as they seem to be. Remember, despite one of the major research powerhouses in Asia being predominately Christian, they are also very into science.

Will this be cheap? No. Will women clamor to use this technology? Yes. Will they be dismayed by the reactions of the normal group of worry trolls from places like the New York Times, Catholic Church (sometimes from a front man claiming neutrality), and Evangelicals of a certain bent? Yes.

I’m not going to say there won’t be issues that need to be investigated and fixed. There are. I’m not going to say there is no room for abuse. There are, but I think the abuse would be cost prohibitive until such a time as it is an accepted reproductive practice.

I’m glad that the Asian countries are not afraid of this research. I know it comes from the extreme importance of the familial line in many Asian cultures, but that does not lessen the value of the research being done.

To those who oppose this on ridiculous grounds, I say go check into reality and quit being such idiots. You guys never get anything right, anyway.

Beware the Worry Troll

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The Worry Troll is a common creature who thrives on reporting and exagerrating risks. Their favorite habitats include The New York Times, West Coast Think Tanks, and Ethics Departments of Universities. These are people who truly believe they know better than anyone else what is good for everybody.

Worry Trolls are almost invariably wrong.

Now, they may have facts to back their arguments – but they always refuse to acknowledge that people and situations are individual. They want to control what you can do and how you can do it. They are always frightened little people who fear progress.

Here is how you tell the difference between a worry troll and someone sane with concerns. The sane with concerns perrson is not going to holler about the need for “regulation!” No, the sane person will ask the question – “What happens if you don’t take whatever into consideration?” The sane person wants dialogue without stopping progress. The sane person wants the right to access the information without restricting the other.

Worry trolls thrive on the ideas of regulation and restricting the rights of others. The problem with regulations? They never benefit the populace. They benefit the wealthy and power seekers.

I may be uneasy with genetically modified food – but I don’t want to stop the research or use thereof. I do want labeling so I can decide for myself. I don’t want anyone telling me – or anyone else – what I can or cannot do in regards to me or my property without proving that that restriction is such a benefit to society that any and all benefit to me (or anyone else) outweighs the restriction.

In what areas do you find the most worry trolls?

  • Privacy
  • Reproductive Medicine (Bioethicists who sound more like eugenicists than ethicists.)
  • Religion – on anything, really
  • Gun Control
  • The Drug War Defenders
  • The Terrorism War Defenders
  • Gay marriage opponents
  • GMO opponents (It’s fine to demand labeling, not fine to want all of it to end.)
  • Stranger Danger people – people (including children) are most likely to be hurt by somone they know, ask any cop!
  • Economic Doomsayers (the real problem? Unequal contracts being upheld – not the same thing as deregulation.)
  • etc.

Now, I for one would rather have liberty than safety. To want safety more than liberty? You don’t deserve liberty and are a shame to the Founding Fathers and Mothers of the United States.

Where do you find the most worry-trolls?

70% of IVFs FAIL

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*These are non-donor egg IVFs. Donor Egg IVFs have a higher overall success rate.

That’s the real story of IVF. Approximately, for every 10 couples (or women) who seek to have a baby in any given cycle of IVF, only 3 will take home a baby.

That figure is higher according to some surveys.

The figure doesn’t take into account that many clinics “game” their statistics so they look better. They won’t take women with certain hormone scores or complex problems. Instead, they will refuse to treat if the couple (or woman) does not want to use a donor egg.

Now, younger women have a better chance – a failure rate of only 60%. That means 4 of every 10 patients brings home a baby. The thing is, the vast majority of women who seek treatment are older – over 35.

Primary reproductive medical personal (midwives, obstetricians, and gynecologists) often refuse to take seriously the concerns of younger women who are not conceiving. Stories abound of women who are told by their physicians that they are young. These women may have serious tubal issues, endometriosis, or PCOS that goes undiagnosed because these physicians refuse to refer patients for treatment.

The average age of referral is 37. In this age group, the success rate is about 25%. A 5% drop in success. Another way of seeing it? 75% of these women fail to give birth to a baby.

Why is an aberration like Nadya Suleman the story when there is a medical procedure that has had its hands tied by overzealous regulators is trying to improve their success rates? It isn’t regulation that is needed, it is research.

The only thing that ever wins with the American Public and Science is fear. I am honestly ashamed of my fellow countrymen. Instead of seeing science for a promise – and a moron for a moron – they want to blame science for the moron. Does anyone else think that is just as nuts as the woman who gave birth to octuplets?

Some links about just how unsuccessful IVF really is:

There really aren’t lots of kids available for adoption. As a matter of fact, there is growing evidence that adoption is rife with corruption that makes even the Nadya Suleman, a.k.a Natalie Doud, a.k.a. Nadya Doud, a.k.a. Nadya Gutierrez, a.k.a. Nadya Suleman-Gutierrez system working around disability payments look mild. But that is a post for another day.

Nadya Suleman / Doud / Gutierrez Octuplets You Are An Insult to Infertility Patients

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No, you are an abomination and an aberration. You, in your selfishness, have endangered reproductive rights to millions of couples fighting to have just one or two children. I honestly have nothing but disdain for you, and pity for your children.

Some may say I am harsh in this, I don’t think so. It is women like this spoiled little brat who make reasonable men and women who wish to be parents look like wild-eyed maniacs.

Nadya Suleman you have done nothing but given worry-trolls and fear-mongerers another story to use in their arsenal against legitimate patients. You are absolutely a disturbed person. Nothing will convince me otherwise. Nothing. If the state of California leaves you unsupervised with your children I will forever know that the social work system there is broken beyond repair.

Who is this doctor? Who would, in a woman who supposedly had successful previous IVFs and is under 35 transfer – not implant – more than one embryo? Both ASRM and SART say no more than two at a time in a patient like this creature. You are supposed to be practicing sound medicine. There are times when it is appropriate to put more than 2 or 3 embryos in – but this person does not fit any of those criteria. She was a one embryo candidate from everything we have seen in the press. Of course, for all we know, it is all lies.

To all the doctors out there who are using the word “implant,” you and I know damn well you can’t implant an embryo. You transfer it in hopes it implants itself. Language matters and careless use of language will backfire. Do not give the lunatic “right-to-lifers” more ammunition. Believe me, if they ever get their way in regards to abortion, they will come after all reproductive technology.

Any woman who has more than one transferred who cannot face selective reduction has no business using IVF. I may sound harsh, but it is a reality that disaster can strike. You start with this technology and you have to be ready to deal wisely with its ramifications. Carrying octuplets is neither wise nor sane.

I am livid. A part of me wants to start a campaign of sending her boxes of dirty shoes – soles up – from the infertility community. But, I won’t do that as it would be petty. I knew what it meant – the whole meaning – when Bush got the shoe thrown at him. I also know you never leave your shoes soles up in an Arabic household.

This woman should be pilloried, but never used as an example. She is an aberration.

If your political creatures start making noises about regulations and legislation over this aberrant abomination, tell them the truth – this woman was insane and her doctor was incredibly irresponsible and should probably lose his license. This, of course, assumes the clinic used was even in the USA. It may not have been.

Though, a part of me wonders about someone with three last names in a short time (http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20090131/ap_on_re_us/octuplets) and such a checkered past. Was medical fraud involved? Will we know anytime soon? I can think of several fraudulent scenarios in this. None look kindly on this woman.

The Year of Broken Promise – or Revelation

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This has been a very hard year. It did not start out that way. It started with joyful news. Even the loss of my job was joyful in many ways. I was not really happy with the turn the job was taking. My skills were already way beyond the job I had. It was being dumbed down further. It was not a senior level position even though that is the type of candidate they sought. If things had gone as planned, it would not have mattered. Joy was on its way.

I was finally pregnant. We saw this as an opportunity for me to start preparing for our new arrival. We had just started making concrete plans when tragedy struck.

I was showing, so I could no longer hide it. If I had had my way, I would not have told anyone even then – but my body showed the truth of that matter. Some of you know that we lost that very wanted pregnancy at 19 weeks near the end of June. I expect to run into people who will ask about our, now, non-existent, child. It is not a simple matter for us to get pregnant. Endometriosis has made sure of that. The inevitable, “you can always get pregnant,” can, unknowingly, cut someone deep.

While I was still pregnant, I lost my Great Uncle – who I had not been able to see for 5 years. I could not attend his funeral because I was pregnant and working at the time. A trip that long really was not feasible. I took comfort in knowing that I was not attending for a reason that he would have considered a good one. And, now, it just seems like life cheated me of saying good-bye.

Everyone told me how strong I was. How inspirational. I was not strong. Emotionally, I wanted the dead fetus out of me as quickly as possible. The cruelty of carrying a dead fetus was something I felt at a gut level. In truth, I just hurt and wanted to hide away from the world in my own way. This meant I had to take control in whatever ways available to me. I think it was because I knew I had to have a D&C right away. Intrauterine death is not something that always vacates the body completely and safely – especially if your family has a history of hemorrhaging.

If I had crossed the magic timeline that Michigan morons have set so they can torture women I would have made a trip to Canada. I had no desire to deliver a dead baby. None. And anyone who thinks a woman should do that just because of gestational age when other medical options are available should be shot. Such a person is a misogynist, plain and simple. (This law is a result of the Catholic Church’s involvement in Michigan politics.) Another might choose to deliver, that is her right, but to force it upon anyone is cruel evidence of misogyny.

I was so angry and so fed up at everyone – even God. I knew my family had a history of miscarriage. If you have not experienced this, I doubt very much you can actually relate. Granted, I did not know that the when of this history was unusual. Late miscarriages occur in less than 2% of pregnancies. Less than 2% . And the medical community knows almost nothing about the why when the fetus is completely normal.

I also felt alone. Many who I thought might notice and send support were not there. Many others I did not expect were very supportive. My family, knowing this pain, was very supportive. The most painful part was relaying what happened to those I knew who had experienced the same. I knew instinctively they relived their own experiences, and in some ways, that made it hurt even more. It did not help that this happened at a time when many were on vacation or otherwise occupied. I felt like I fell through the cracks. Some of you who knew were there, and you will never know how grateful I was – and still am – of that support. How I hungered for it at the time – while fearing I would offend, or seem needy, if I reached out wanting it. After all, I also had a husband who was dealing with this grief in a very different way.

Now, the obstetric surgeon who performed the procedure was incredibly compassionate. As were the nurses and anesthesiologists involved. My MIL was great as well. My heart ached for my husband. Did I feel guilt for the miscarriage? Eventually. Of course, I knew that was just part of the 5 stages of grief. I was still numb for awhile afterwards. The best thing to do when dealing with something so huge you don’t want to face it is to keep going with the everyday things – and occupy yourself with activities that use your brain in other ways.

That day I came home and baked cookies. For the next three months, I canned like a madwoman – everything from pickles to ketchup to jellies and jams. I don’t really know why. Maybe so I wouldn’t feel so empty. Maybe so I just wouldn’t be able to think about anything but canning – something that is very dependent on weights and measures if you don’t want to poison someone. Knitting was too meditative. It left too much room in my mind to think. To dwell on the pain that could, if I was not careful, consume me.

Our baby was chromosomally normal. DH and I immediately contacted our reproductive endocrinologist to inform him, asking how soon we could start again. Three months until my body would be ready. In three months we could think about starting again. This was a second trimester miscarriage. The vast majority of miscarriages occur in the first trimester – it takes longer to recover from a second trimester loss.

I decided that I wanted the full miscarriage panel and was very, very angry that when I had asked previously about that – mentioning the family history of miscarriage – I had been shrugged off. I had told the reproductive endocrinologists this. I had told the obstetricians this. I had even told the high risk pregnancy specialist this. It seemed to me that none of them heard me until after I lost the baby. I should say that all of the doctors – except, maybe, the high risk specialist – are doctors I trust and whose abilities I believe in. I was, once again, the statistical outlier. A family history of late loss (some with living children) is nowhere documented in the medical literature.

I had the miscarriage panel done and found out I had two blood clotting genetic tendencies. Now, I trust a reproductive endocrinologist to help me get pregnant – but they are not a hematologist. I decided to get a referral to the hematologist. I got more blood tests and he found another gene that read like my family’s medical history. It was fascinating in a morbid kind of way.

With this knowledge in hand, we tried again. We failed. I had to stop. The failed cycle was the definition of Murphy’s Law. All that could go wrong, while looking like it was right, did. I think my mind and body rebelled. I’m pretty sure I had messed up my medications. When the doctor went in for the eggs, there was one egg and lots of endometriomas. Endometriosis ate my ovary. By some miracle, we made it to transfer. I’m not sure how or why. Of course, the cycle failed anyway.

At this point, I was just numb, exhausted, and broken. I had been moving forward and moving forward because I couldn’t stop. If I stopped, I would feel all of it. The full weight of the disappointment and hurt of this year. A year that had started with such hope, only to have it snatched away by an ultrasound.

I achieved nothing that I set out to do this year. None of the challenges. I sought refuge in my urban fantasy novels and graphic novels. Vampire Urban Fantasy is mostly safe from pregnancy storylines. I couldn’t even handle historicals that were written by childless authors. Anything too close to reality caused pain. Surprisingly, even Battlestar Galactica – when I started rewatching parts of Season 3 – had a tone about reproduction that made me feel a knot in my stomach. If it wasn’t light and fluffy – except for Planet Hulk , I couldn’t take it. Movies that had never bothered me before, were too dark and violent to handle. Something inside me seems to have changed.

Our baby would have been born around Thanksgiving if all had gone as planned. We should have been celebrating with our baby this Christmas instead of being trapped in Michigan. Neither of us felt like going to any parties where there might be children to remind us of our loss. It was too raw all over again. The Holidays are hard for those who have had losses – and to expect people to choose to be happy is incredibly immature on the part of the other.

When the blizzard came, it felt like the world, itself, had turned on us. We had a short window to make a very long drive – if we missed it, we could not make our trip. A trip we very much wanted to make – or at least I did. (DH does not like long car trips. I don’t like plane trips.) The entire northern half of the continental US was under a blanket of snow and ice making driving treacherous – possibly deadly. When roads are being closed and flights are being canceled, it is wise not to try to make a trip happen.

I was going to knit a sweater and knit down my stash. The only thing left that I am knitting is a pair of socks. I started the socks before we conceived this year. I was knitting them while I was pregnant with the intention of having them for labor and delivery. As odd as it sounds, a part of me thinks that if I finish this pair of socks, it will be easier to put all the failures of this year behind me. Ironically, they are orange and green – the colors of fertility. Isn’t it odd how we relate unrelated things to events and tragedies? I do not want to carry knitting these socks into 2009. I am down to the edging and I have two days. I think I can finish. If you knit, you might understand what I mean. But, then again, maybe not.

Of course, there all of the things that I have been avoiding returning to – cleaning out our basement, organizing my craft supplies, and, various and sundry tasks that were being done in preparation of a new arrival. Many of which were not nursery based. They are still reminders of our failed pregnancy.

Believe it or not, I am not actually depressed. I am sad. I don’t like being sad. I keep reminding myself that, as a Christian, Christ did not promise this life would be one of prosperity and ease. No. He told us that to follow Him was to pick up our own Cross to bear just as He had borne the Cross and the Crucifixion so that He could be reborn and allow us that same opportunity.

I will not pretend that this year has not been hard. It has been incredibly difficult, physically and emotionally. How can I compare my trials to the trials of Christ? It sort of puts things in perspective. Will we try again? I do not know. I will not discuss that in a public blog. I chose to share this to show that despite some pretty difficult times, I can persevere.

In 2009, I am hoping that I can leave this hurt behind me and find new hope and new beginnings. Where they might take me, I don’t know.