Recently, there has been a rash of posts about the wonders of keeping backyard chickens, on Blogher (http://www.blogher.com/chicken-egg-and-children, for example). I had to send this link to my dad.

Why did I have to send the link to my dad? Well, because, as a child he was the one in charge of the “free range” kitchen coop in both childhood homes – Kentucky and Ohio. Due to this, he will not eat chicken – or even turkey – to this day. (Interestingly, my husband’s grandfather is the same way for the similar reasons.)

As someone who grew up spending time in both the suburbia and rural areas, I actually once – and only once – helped clean out a chicken coop at my uncle’s small farm. There is nothing more disgusting than chickenshit. Have you ever been covered in it? And the cold water of the hose is not quite getting it all off? Well, welcome to the real fowl world!

Trust me, 6 to 12 chickens will create more manure than you will ever use in the average suburban garden. Doesn’t matter if it is a vegetable or flower garden. Chickens don’t stop creating manure just because you have lost the need for that much fertilizer.

Of course, there is little mention of the fact that even chickens – sans rooster – are somewhat loud at times. Many domesticated chicken breeds are, well, stupid. There are smart chickens, but they don’t tend to be the best layers. From what I can tell, most of the folks wanting to have chickens are wanting them for egg laying. I wonder how many realize that a hen’s egg laying career is limited and would usually be slaughtered at the end of it for a soup stock chicken? (A hen that old is too tough to eat as a roaster or fryer!)

What if you have a rooster too? Please don’t be stupid enough to keep more than one rooster if you have only one coop! I actually met a woman whose husband – a New York City native – wanted chickens when he got a job at an agricultural university. He bought a rooster and hen of 20 varieties of chickens. Roosters fight – and kill – one another in competition for those hens. Roosters are always loud because they are announcing their primacy in keeping their hens from other roosters. Even the small ones like Bantams like to put up a good front in a fight – and that means they will fight loudly at any time. Your neighbors will not like you much.

Normally, farmers kill young roosters as eating chickens. The rooster’s crown is considered a delicacy by many cuisines, including both Appalachian and Chinese. If you have eggs hatched, and a rooster or three appear, are you prepared to slaughter them? You have to catch it, break it’s neck, slice it open and let the blood drain as you pluck the feathers. I will never forget the first time I saw my uncle kill and pluck a chicken. Of course, in some states, you are not allowed to prep your own chickens, you have to get a licensed butcher to do it. (Usually the same states that require deer to be dressed by a licensed butcher.) Rather expensive, yes?

Did I mention chickens eat everything and anything? Including small snakes? Those Ripley’s Believe It Or Not stories about finding copperheads in the stomachs of chickens are true – it happened to my paternal grandmother. If you can butcher your own chicken, are you prepared to deal with that?

Now, I am not immune to the desire to keep small game. I have food allergies, so have been tempted to keep my own fowl – with the double benefit of the pest control. In my case, it was from reading an article in Mother Earth News – a great resource for simple living. I wanted Guinea Hens. They are much more effective at staying away from predators than chickens are. My husband believed the idea of keeping guinea hens was bad. Of course, I had been teasing him with keeping long-haired goats or alpacas – but that’s because he is a true city boy and it is just fun to get him riled up.

I came to my senses. Though, I admit, I am spoiled by the great Farmer’s Market Oakland County has, as well as all the small farms to buy from. There are only few tropical fruits that I can’t get within a 2 hour drive of my home – and most of those someone is selling either at the local Co-Op or the Farmer’s Market. And, well, every Michigan grocery store takes pride in announcing that they have local produce, or even chicken, beef, etc. Even in my childhood I can remember those. It is the legacy of a really great governor, Milliken, who knew farming was the backbone of survival, but I digress.

I spoke of predators. Most suburban dogs and cats don’t know to not go after chickens. “Free Range” chickens are particularly susceptible. Of course, most dog owners are a bit guilty of the “get the squirrel” game – which most suburban dogs are going to believe gives them permission to go after all small game animals – rabbit, cat (depending on cat, this may include huge veterinary bill), skunk (tomato juice is your friend), opossum, or, even, your precious chickens. Many wouldn’t have the sense to kill the chicken, but the noise will disturb the entire neighborhood.

Then there are the outdoor and feral cats that abound in all neighborhoods – rural, city, suburban. These cats, as a British study found, are very effective in hunting almost anything. Are you prepared to lose a chicken or two to the local cat population?

Oh yeah, did I mention that rats love chicken coops as homes? Rats, after all, will kill and eat chickens. So, if you want to keep chickens, and you don’t want to use D-Con, I suggest you get a big cat – think Maine Coon – and a terrier who can take down a rat. Rats are just one disease vector you are introducing when you introduce a chicken coop.

Chickens are also a very effective disease vector. Almost all of the major flu epidemics started in birds – particularly chickens – which were kept in close proximity to populations. As in backyard chicken keeping in cities. The limited land does not act as a good buffer to prevent the spread of the disease from chicken to songbird to chicken to person. Pneumonias are also known to spread in this manner. So many of the people who want to keep chickens are saying they want to prevent over medication of these animals. Well, sometimes, the medication is the only thing between us and a pandemic. I, for one, do not want to see a return of the 1918 flu epidemic – which, interestingly, is when a number of the restrictive livestock keeping laws went into place.

Now, I believe there are legitimate reasons to keep chickens – even as pets – but from a lot of the things I have read, I don’t really think the majority of people who are romanticizing farming (or even gardening) realize how back breaking even a small flock of 4 to 6 hens would be to manage. Farm work is a lot harder than most of us city slickers would believe – there are no vacations when you keep livestock.

• That coop is not going to clean itself.
• Chickens need food and clean water (water changed more than once a day).
• Rats and other pests must be kept out.
• Predators (other than rats) must be kept away.
• Veterinary bills from the visiting vet – a coop keeper is not able to take his or her flock to the vet. Did I mention that very few vets are farm animal vets anymore – that’s a post for another day?
• Manure – no one can use that much manure.
• The majority of chickens are, well, stupid – not all – but the majority.
• If you have a rooster, and the eggs hatch, what are you gonna do about the young roosters?
• Costs of butchering your young, excess chickens – or your old non-layers.
• Costs of making sure your flock does not become a disease vector – and losing that flock if it is deemed infected.

Yep, I have barely scratched the surface, and people accuse me of romanticizing farming. Personally, I think those who want to keep chickens would be better served by finding local farms that keep chickens and patronizing them. And, maybe encouraging other farms to diversify by telling their congress critters to stop subsidizing corn, soy, etc. and start subsidizing the biodiverse farms. Real farmers – even serious hobby farmers – are much better suited to keeping chickens as layers than suburbanites.