Category Archives: Adoption

Being a Birthmother

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This being my very first time blogging, Melissa suggested I blog about my experience as a Birthmother in the adoption triad.

This perspective is the least heard from and in my opinion the most difficult. Anyone can be a mother, but giving birth can be a privilege. Conceiving at such a young age 24 years ago, I chose against abortion in my own right. When I realized at 15 that I was pregnant, I thought, if I tell my mother she will force me into an abortion without question. I decided this was not what I wanted to do and therefore I did not tell her until I will 5 months pregnant. It was not a decision I took lightly, but felt this was MY decision and no one, let alone my mother, was going to take it away from me. After telling her, I cannot begin to tell you how unsupportive she was. She played the victim role. “How could you do this to me?”, “You slut, you bitch, you whore”, “I am not even going to go see you in the hospital”. (She did go behind my back without my blessing to see my son). My mother’s boyfriend at the time (she had already been divorced twice) said to me “Why didn’t you just tell me and we could have just gone and gotten an abortion”. Exactly what I expected. Did I make the right decision? The only answer I can say is YES. It was an extordinarilly mature decision for someone like me to make. This is something I have never regretted.
I very much took care of myself while pregnant. It was a shock to have to change schools, again. This will be my third High School. My mother decided on whims about living here and there. Thankfully South Florida is a decent place to grow up even if I am going to be dragged from place to place. The new school had a program for pregnant teens. It catered to us, so if we needed to be late for medical reasons, etc. We would not be reprimanded. I was not late one day; I had a very easy pregnancy. I was 97 lbs when I got pregnant and 124 lbs when I had him. I had a very nice female, Jewish Doctor. Without her knowing, she was a glimmer of support for me. Another person of support was a good friend of my mother’s at the time, Barbara, she decided she wanted to help me through and was a wonderful birthing coach. For myself, I am surprised how well I survived emotionally being “on my own”.
Labor began June 2, 1986 at 8:30 the evening. I gave birth at 2:11 am, June 3rd. A beautiful baby boy weighing in at 8 lbs. 6 oz. I didn’t get to see him at first, but I requested to see him. They brought him to my room. The nurse gave me the bundle and I was so amazed that I had to privilege to give this person life. As all mothers do, you stare in amazement. He was perfect. I laid him down in front of me and opened the blanket to make sure all the fingers and toes were accounted for. They were, while taking a sigh of relief. A few minutes later I had to hand him back to the nurse as she wheeled him away. I sat there in shock. The next morning I had my second chance to see him. All I could do was stare. I wanted to make sure I had his face etched in my memory for as long as I live. I gave someone life.
There are no words that can possibly describe the bond between a child and mother. God and/or Mother Nature intended it that way. This is how we survive. To have that severed is the unhealthiest feeling. No matter how a human is conceived, this bond should not be defied. This is where I can feel the same exact feelings today as the day I had to “give him back”. Living with this has been at times crippling internal pain. I have never had any help, counseling, medication or any of the sorts. For me, what was any of that going to do to change the reality? Deal with it. It may not sound healthy to some, but for me, the only way I know how to deal living life without my baby.
At the time, open adoption in Florida was not an option. It was dictated. In my opinion, what is good for some may not be good for everyone. I would rather have seen him grow up, in some respect, than to not have any contact whatsoever. For me, I would have lived with much more peace. My deep unselfishness gave a couple a family they could not have otherwise had. That is much more than I could ever have given him and truly the most important to me. I can only hope he can understand and forgive me, but to know I did it because I loved him more than life itself. He will forever be in my heart and soul.
Today, I am eternally blessed to have a wonderful husband and a beautiful little boy. For me, his brother is missing. I am coming to grips with the decision to ever tell my little boy that he has a brother somewhere. This, as with the rest of the decisions, will not be taken lightly. I want to do what is best for everyone. My husband is incredibly supportive of my possible search in finding him, when I’m ready.
This was not easy to write about because of how infinitely I have been judged by the few people I have told. Being judged harshly has made me an incredibly strong person, because I have asked the question many times walking away from the person judging me “What would they have done in the exact same situation?”. That is for each to judge themselves, because I have far surpassed them.

Not the Right Adoption Story? Can’t Be Family? Huh?

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Salon ran an opinion piece on a movie called Mother and Child. First, I did not and do not plan on seeing it. I was simply struck by the comments section.

How many people dealing with infertility hear repeatedly that they should “just adopt” or “adopt” or “there are millions of children right here in America” or whichever sophist cliché is in vogue that day among the ill-informed?

What happens when an adoptive mom talks about how the media treats adoption as a total tragedy and dismisses the adoptive parents as part of the triad?

The internet trolls come out from under their bridges in droves. The vile accusations of narcissism when someone writes an opinion piece is truly silly. What opinions on media are not, to some degree, narcissistic? You are always speaking about what you the reviewer found good or bad. Makes it kind of difficult to not see things through the lens of your own life experience. It is simply human nature.

The nonsense that is so often spouted came out, and evidence that perhaps those who comment are not the brightest or most learned is evident when someone accuses Sandra Bullock of adopting a foreign child. Last time I checked Louisiana was still a state – Napoleonic Code, but still a U.S. state. (The accusation that Ms. Bullock did this to keep her figure is truly appalling when you consider some accidental statements she has made over the years indicating she is part of the infertile community.)

Only one person dared to say that the judgments were so nasty because there is still an unreflective worship of the biological tie that makes people believe that a child not borne of the parents is not truly their child. I have never really understood this attitude. Blood is not what makes a family – unless you count the blood spilled while sewing, cooking, falling, and living. It is spirit.

Two words have been adopted into English to more clearly define what family really is – ohana (from Hawaiian) and whanau (from Maori). These words have come to mean an all-encompassing idea of family that includes not only blood and adopted relations, but those who we choose as family.

It has been said that family is who must always take you back. For some, this doesn’t include a single blood relative – or an officially adopted one either. Most of us find this group in our lives. For a very few unfortunates, this isn’t true. Perhaps, those who write against all sorts of family-building practices are those who have never found family.

Juno (Movie)

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Juno (Single-Disc Edition) was the breakout Indie film last year. I have to admit, I don’t get why. The acting was the only solid part of the film. And, the acting wasn’t enough to make me care about what happened to the characters. It didn’t even trigger any issues with my own journey through infertility and loss.

51ajBMqwq6LEven my DH – who loves Indie stuff – was left going, “Huh?” We understand that some people buy a self-aware 16 year old. We couldn’t. It just didn’t ring true. DH was especially disconcerted by the portrayal of the adopting husband. His response: “No one trying 5 years is going to be like that.” (I won’t say what he is referring to, only that at 5 years, perhaps such things would probably not still be festering in a healthy marriage.)

Honestly, Juno (Single-Disc Edition) is not a bad movie, but it was annoying. It tried to be super clever and, to me, fell flat. Clever can work, but this movie didn’t work for me.

The music in it didn’t help either. I am not a fan of the style of music that was used throughout the movie. Every time one of the songs started, I wanted to shut down the sound. They annoyed me – and I grew up with old-style country music. It takes a lot to annoy me musically.

I can understand why some folks liked the movie – as a fantasy about “mature” teens. I just couldn’t reach that level of suspension of disbelief.

Nebraska’s Child Abandonment Fiasco Reveals Deep Need In US Families

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Many people have said how they would never abandon their children no matter what happened.  I think those people are fools.  No one knows what they will do in any situation until they are in it.

I do not care who you are.  How well you think you know yourself. Or, how “Christian, Moslem, etc.” you believe yourself to be.  You have no way of knowing what it is to be in those parents’ shoes.

Many have decried these men and women for trying to find help for their older children in the only way they had left.  Our society abandons and blames parents who have troubled children.  There are no programs left to help when a parent or child has a mental illness or disturbance that actively disrupts the ability of their relationship to be sustained.

We used to.  Under Reagan all of those were destroyed. Reagan was an evil man who systemically destroyed the social safety net in favor of the vultures on Wall Street.  Look at the man’s policies.  Subsequent Democrats have not been better – and I expect absolutely nothing of substance from Obama.

Many of these parents have spent all of their savings – their retirement, what is left of it – in order to help their child.  They are at the end of the rope.  Literally, there is nowhere for them to turn.  The courts are of no help.  The parent often, cannot even use proper psychological treatments for severe mental health issues for fear of being labeled abusive.  Social workers are not known for their acumen in dealing with mentally ill children. 

This is not totally the fault of the Social Worker.  Most are in situations with no money or support to deal with their existing caseload.  It is much, much easier to send someone into the criminal system for abandonment.  Even children who have physically threatened or harmed their parents cannot be safely treated with “Tough Love” in our current legislative environment.

I think the bigger question here is not, “Why didn’t the lawmakers limit this immediately?”  Rather, the question is, “Why are these parents so desperate that they are driving 100s – even 1000s – of miles to seek this alternative?”

Boston Legal : Season 5, Episode 5 : The Bad Seed – Intelligent Show Shown Stupid

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Now, I realize that Boston Legal is a dramedy, but it is normally very intelligent and, well, not spewing nonsense. This is why, on the episode, The Bad Seed, I was, well, very disappointed in the fallacies propagated by the plotline regarding sperm donation. I realize the show is not set in reality, but, the intelligence of the majority of scripts made this very disappointing.

That they attacked a practice over 100 years old – sperm donation – without acknowledging that it is, indeed, a very old practice, is, well, irresponsible. Now, there are some very real issues surrounding sperm donation – especially anonymous donations – but many of the points that the Jerry character used were, well, not real. Many states have laws governing who “the father” is because of the realities of sperm donation through a little over 100 years of court cases. This is, in no way, a new phenomenon.

The idea that there was no way for the two children involved to know whether they were related or not without revealing the donor information, was, well, false. Genetic testing can tell whether people are related or not – at least close enough to determine whether there is an incestuous relationship! This is not a real issue, and weakens the real arguments about identity.

The idea that everyone has the right to know their biological or genetic parents – which, technically, are not the same thing in current science – is, well, not valid. Everyone has the right to have their family medical history where available – even those with knowledge of the parentage often do not have accurate family medical histories. And, everyone should have the opportunity to learn who their biological and genetic parents are as long as everyone involved consents. There are often valid reasons for identifying information not to be available. Those cases must be decided on their own unique merits.

Now, the question of children being denied their “identity” is not a new one. The issue has been being dealt with in the adoption world for decades now. Believe it or not, there is a divide among adoptees as to how much information is needed to fulfill that need. Not all adoptees feel the need to explore their biological / genetic roots! I am not, by saying this, disparaging the needs of those who desire to know about their origins. This is also a very valid need for those individuals. The reality is that sometimes, it just is not possible.

The show actually decreased my empathy for the argument of wanting to know by misrepresenting the options available and suggesting only wealthy parents turn to this option! It was a sad thing to see during National Infertility Awareness Week 2008. Of those pursuing fertility, a good portion are working and middle class men and women who want to build a family in the only means available to them.

There are a lot of things that people think they have the right to know. There are a lot of things that people decide that you or I would not agree with, but, ultimately, it is not their decision. With increases in genetic science, there is no reason a blood test to determine how closely related two people are could not be used to determine whether their union can be state sanctioned or not. We really aren’t that far from that considering how often we use such things for paternity testing already.

Will my view on this, being nuanced to include considerations for all parties involved – including society – get me flamed? Probably. It is not popular to say that one-size does not fit all, but really, one-size does not, ever fit all in any situation.

What do you think?

National Infertility Awareness Week 2008 – Some Non-Traditional Reading

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National Infertility Awareness Week LogoOctober 19 to October 25, 2008 is National Infertility Awareness Week in the USA. Last year I wrote Some Hard Facts on Infertility. This year I would like to recommend some lighter reading on possible futures where, maybe some societies aren’t comfortable with reproductive health and technology – but others are.

Lois McMaster’s Bujold – Miles Vorkosigan Universe

51qfyOP2-GLAt the top of my list are the Lois McMaster’s Bujold Miles Vorkosigan series. It starts with Cordelia’s Honor – actually two novellas Shards of Honor and Barrayar (won the Hugo in 1992). One of the best space opera series ever written starts before the birth of the main character – with his mother and her struggles to come to terms with a backwards world (to her eyes) after coming from a cutting edge technological world where not only is reproductive technology taken for granted, but people regularly reassign themselves to a new sex. Beta Colony is Cordelia’s homeworld. Barrayar, her new husband’s homeworld believes even such basic medical technology as uterine replicators are an abomination.

Bujold worked in a hospital when she heard all the horror stories that many folks used to argue against IVF and other helpful technologies. Her response? Put the reproductive technology in the background of her stories with the occassional culture clashes between the Beta Colony native and her Barrayaran cohorts. This is just one part of this masterful space opera where modern ideas conflict with and merge with the feudalistic Barrayaran monarchy.

Of course, she did do one whole book on clones and how, well, they are people to the characters in the book. Perhaps reading her books, and knowing the people I know, I find the fear of reproductive cloning absolutely incomprehensible. Now, I don’t think it should be done without solving the cell aging issue that seems to be plaguing mammalian clones, but I don’t think there should be an outright ban. This, to me, just speaks of fear.

Now, Bujold does not doubt the realities of greed and what can happen if there is no recognition of the humanity of those who result from genetic manipulation. In the 1988 Nebula Award for Best Novel, Falling Free (Vorkosigan Saga), Bujold writes what happens when the interests of industry outweigh the rights of those who result from genetic manipulation. She revisits this issue in other Vorkosigan books by showing the various ways in which a society can – and can choose not to – regulate cloning and other other reproductive technology.

I’m going to look through my notes to find what else I can find where reproductive technology is “just part of the story” and not just as a horror element!

Staying Positive When All Is Negative

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Everyone who deals with a chronic illness, infertility or any traumatic event, deals with the problem of getting worn down from the constant stress of it all.  Some things are in our control, some things are not.  Sometimes the things we think we can control are really outside of our control.

This gets further complicated when dealing with support communities – whether online or in real life.  People, being people, sometimes get hurt by the oddest things.  No one meant to be hurtful or mean, but it happens. Lord knows, I have hurt people unintentionally.  Probably, I have hurt more people than I thought I have. Once you take on the task of supporting others – tacitly or not – you end up creating new stresses for your yourself.  Language selection can actually cause all kinds of problems.

Some communities do not like the words outsiders use to describe them while others embrace those words.  Many words that should not be emotionally charged are due to cultural considerations.  In the USA, words like retarded have accumulated a morass of meaning that have nothing to do with what the word originally meant. Any group has to decide how to define itself with or without the emotionally charged words that society has already assigned it.  This is not so easy.

No matter what choices are made, someone is going to take objection.

Mel, over at Stirrup Queens, for instance, has an abbreviation list for those who are dealing with infertility, child loss,  adoption, and parenting after infertility.  She chose to use the term TTC – a standard from the old Usenet News days that is widely used on bulletin boards – to describe the beginning journey.  Many people started to object as this did not include those who had conceived but never given birth, those who lost an infant, and those who skipped medical interventions for adoption.  Now, there is a discussion about what would be the right abbreviation.  Poor Mel is feeling bad about this and actually changed her blog entry to TTP – Trying To Parent – rather than TTC (Trying To Conceive).  She also felt bad for making a simple mistake – saying every IVF cycle leads to conception.  That is not true, many, many are canceled/fail before that point.

So, what is Mel doing?  She is trying to come up with the perfect term.  The thing is, the variety of human experience surrounding just this one trauma is so diverse that there is no perfect term.  There are a variety of terms that are needed to communicate.  It is a veritable language of its own.  But, even these small disagreements tend to cement the community as a community.  Even bringing up how we can each best support the other in their unique circumstances.

“I got corned,” is a refrain we hear on the Avoiding Corn list quite often.  It seems as if society is out to kill us.  Literally.  Items that used to be safe suddenly have hidden corn ingredients.  If someone who has a corn allergy sees the word sorbitol, he or she knows to run, not walk the other way.  It does not help that some physicians do not even believe in a corn allergy.  (I have the paperwork from testing plus ER visits to prove my corn allergy.)

Of course, moods are not lightened in the corn allergy community when we hear of new and unique uses of corn.  But, then we remember that because we have to watch everything we eat and come into contact with, in some ways, we are healthier despite ourselves and our allergy.  Unfortunately, often, the information of what is causing our issues comes too late to avoid severe damage to our bodies.  Allergies, left untreated, can cause all kinds of health problems.

Then there are those in the “disabled community” that have added challenges of living an alternative lifestyle.  One such blogger is Liz at BadgerBag.  She has opened her life up to those of us on the Internet to share her trials and her triumphs – and like all of us, her prideful folly.  It sometimes feels a bit voyeuristic to read her most excellent blog, but it shows what determination to be true to one’s self can mean.

Recently, a knitting blogger, Becka, at The Knitting Wounded found out that she has breast cancer.  At first she was going to pack it in and crawl into a corner.  Then she decided to keep on knitting and blogging as a distraction.  Her posts may not be as frequent – or may be more frequent – but she is going to do what she has to do.

Now, this post may come across as rather negative to some of you, but that is not the intent.  It is to show that no matter how negative the circumstance people persevere, somehow, some way, until they can’t anymore.

I think that is something positive.  And I think that if people have the strength to argue  over terminology; whether or not something is or is not a real concern; or, what the appropriate behavior is to be, then maybe, just maybe, something positive is going on after all from that seeming slight or surrender.

Starting a Project to Help the Lay Public Understand the Maze of Infertility Treatments (And Why It Takes Over One’s Life)

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I have had many friends who have dealt with this and being a librarian by training, and an analyst by profession, I have a bit of a need to create charts and use cases on what is going on.

There doesn’t seem to be a good way to explain how many stops and go’s there are in the process. So, I thought I would start flowcharting the baby steps of finding out how to treat infertility.

The next post will be Step 1: What Happens When Not Pregnant After Trying?

This is something that I hope the infertility community can help with by giving feedback and such. I am hoping to include statistics, etc. and, perhaps, eventually publishing these in a friendly “hand to the idiot friend/family/doctor/boss/acquaintance” that needs to know and can’t stop being stupid. My goal is to have this finished by next year’s National Infertility Awareness Week.

Sometimes, emotions don’t really mean much if there isn’t a good understanding of the facts behind this. I am doing this with infertility first because there is a real dearth of support – and even hostility – for those suffering this disease. Make no mistake, it is a disease.

So, please comment constructively! And, I know there are a few physicians, nurses, and statisticians lurking out there that I want to beg for help in making this as accurate and useful as possible.

Some Hard Facts About Infertility (For Non-Profit Sharing)

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National Infertility Awareness WeekOn this, the Friday of National Infertility Awareness Week 2007, I want to talk about some hard facts related to IVF and infertility in general.

15% of couples are infertile. That means you or someone you know is suffering from infertility.

This is a couples disease not a woman’s disease. The distribution is usually represented something like this:

  • 40% Male Factor Infertility
  • 40% Female Factor Infertility
  • 5% Unknown
  • 15% Combined Male and Female Factor infertility

Couples and individuals suffering from infertility do not welcome your crude or sarcastic remarks about infertility. They just hurt people. Remember when your mother told you not to say anything if you can’t say something nice? Use that rule.

So, now your thinking, “Yes, but technology can overcome that easily.”

20% of IVF cycles in a given patient group cycling will result in pregnancy. 80% will not. Think about that. Of the 20% that result in a pregnancy, a good portion will end in the heartache of miscarriage. On average, slightly more than 10% of those pregnancies will end in miscarriage. The older the mother (age of oocyte), the more likely a miscarriage is to occur, reaching 22.2% in women over 40 according to one report. For the majority of couples, there will need to be multiple rounds of IVF before a successful outcome. But, a significant number will never be able to achieve successful delivery of a baby – the only real goal.

Why go to IVF? Well, in study after study it is, overall, the cheapest alternative. Unfortunately, because insurance coverage is rare for infertility, most couples who are not dealing with tubal blockages or severe uterine abnormalities will opt for fertility drugs plus IUI as their primary treatment.

Why is this bad? IUI is where all of those really high order multiples like quintuplets and more come from. It is extremely rare to have more than a triplet pregnancy with IVF. And, of those, the most common reason is that one of two blastocysts decided to split creating both identical twins and a fraternal triplet to the twins.

Higher Order Multiples are more expensive to cover than multiple rounds of IVF. They have higher lifetime health costs. (Coming from a family with an inordinate amount of naturally occurring twinning, I do not for one minute buy that twins are always “in danger.”)

Now, I can hear all of those going on about “Just adopt.” Um… NO! There is nothing “just” about adopting. I believe in adoption. However, there are 3 waiting couples for every infant available for adoption. And, the international market for children is making international adoptions more and more expensive. Adoption is much more expensive than doing multiple infertility treatments – even with the tax breaks currently in place. If you say “just adopt,” I strongly suggest you read The Baby Business before opening your mouth again about a topic you have very little understanding of. – Adoption isn’t like 30, or even 20, years ago.

To those who say “Adopt from foster care,” I say, I have worked with troubled children and not everyone is going to be able to deal with children who are damaged from mental, physical, and sexual abuse. Most responsible social workers would never ever recommend a couple who have never parented take on the responsibility for a psychologically damaged child. The challenges are much greater than the lay public believe. There are people who are qualified and have the emotional capacity to do this, and I applaud them. I just will not expect everyone to take on such a responsibility.

Adoption is a truly invasive process that some couples will never be comfortable with. Many agencies have arbitrary rules about who they will allow to adopt. Many of the reasons that someone cannot adopt are directly derived from the state of being infertile – or as a result of infertility treatments. For instance, if you have had cancer, that can automatically take you off of the list. Gained a lot of weight due to treatments? Many countries have very low BMIs that must be met in order to adopt. Or, maybe, you became depressed and went to counseling to deal with your infertility, you are no longer eligible to adopt from China, for instance, if you took anti-depressants within the last so many years.

Family-building isn’t so simple, is it? Is it any wonder that the depression rates in couples suffering from infertility are equivalent to those suffering from cancer? There is also a dearth of mental health professionals who are qualified to deal with the issues around infertility and miscarriage.

Family-building is made harder by those who oppose all Federal funding for research in the areas of reproductive health. Misconceptions of how reproduction works is rife within our society. Many men and women have been misled about how long fertility lasts – men, these days, are more culpable here.

Even worse are those who wish to outlaw all research in infertility. These nutcases – for I have no respect for this position – are using their influence to condemn not just reproductive health, but also cures for a variety of other ailments.

Women have been on the forefront of the funding for every single major advancement made since the first successful IVF pregnancy – and even privately funded much of the preliminary research.

What about the lack of insurance coverage? That is a whole other post as the issues there are very complex and, sometimes, even more emotionally laden than the general discussion.

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